Recovery

Some of you may have seen my post on social media recently about getting my one week chip in my recovery program. And before I continue, let me just take a moment to say… 

I am so damn proud of myself! 

Too often, we (myself included) let ourselves surrender to constant negative self-talk: 

I suck at _________. 

I run but I’m not a good runner (never mind my six plus marathons).  

I need to eat less because that ounce of back fat is truly heinous. 

I should really stop having that nightly glass of wine (don’t, girl).

Negative self-talk is toxic. It is all-consuming, relentless, and incredibly damaging. 

Negative self-talk robs us of self-praise, self-love, and self-care. Most of all, negative self-talk hinders our ability to grant grace, specifically to our self.  

Reversing this cycle of negative self-talk takes an acute level of awareness and major effort. 

So, instead of shrugging off my milestone this week (I mean, y’all, it’s literally a plastic coin), I am choosing to acknowledge my hard work and celebrate it!  

…cue inner voice: “Job well done, Hals! You’re a boss!” 

I could end this post now, but I feel it’s important to be transparent about our (my) struggles. In doing so, perhaps someone else might feel less alone.  

I am officially one week (eleven days, actually) into my recovery for a process addiction (also known as behavioral addiction). When speaking about addiction, there are two dominant categories: chemical addictions and process addictions. 

Chemical addictions are the more widely-known addictions — drugs, alcohol, etc. 

Process addictions are a bit more complex. They are often deeply rooted in trauma and tend to go unnoticed until life becomes unmanageable.  

American Addiction Centers defines process addiction as, “the compulsion to continually engage in an activity or behavior despite the negative impact on the person’s ability to remain mentally and/or physically healthy and functional in the home and community.” Some common process/behavioral addictions are: gaming, sex, love, food, exercise, shopping, and gambling. 

For obvious reasons, I prefer to speak about my situation in general terms (like a true southern lady, I was taught not to air dirty laundry for all to see). Without getting too detailed, my struggle boils down to obsessive compulsive behaviors (OCD). These behaviors have been present in my life for as long as I can remember; however, with age they seem to have increased, both in frequency and severity. These behaviors have caused me a tremendous amount of undue stress, anxiety, pain, and overall dysfunction. For me, these behaviors have resulted in poor self-image, disordered eating, and countless co-dependent, toxic relationships. 

So, with this realization and the help of many, I sought help and found a recovery support group. This recovery program is not easy, nor is it a “quick fix.” 

I have good days; I have bad days. I have days where I feel as though I can conquer anything; I have days where getting out of bed is difficult. Yet, no matter the day, this program is a constant source of support, love, empathy, and release. 

I am not even close to “healed” or even “recovered.” In fact, I am not sure I ever will be; but, I am committed and hopeful that better days are ahead. And, on those days where my hope seems to be lost, I know precisely where to go to refill my cup.